Under the Table
by bluecharlotte
Summary: Kurt is sure he isn't mistaken in recognizing it; this is Blaine's I'm-talking-about-sex-in-public voice. But Kurt isn't talking about sex! And how did a bathroom come into it?


**A/N: Okay, don't ask me where this came from... I have NO IDEA. Takes place in Season 3, at some point after "The First Time." No spoilers, just total crack. And fluff. xD  
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"Blaine, this is not the time or the place." They're sitting at a lunch table in the McKinley cafeteria with some of the other Glee club members, and Blaine has absolutely no idea what Kurt is talking about.

"What are you talking about?" His confusion only continues when, in way of explanation, Kurt only gestures vaguely between them. "What—your salad? I didn't do anything to your salad."

"No, not—you know what I'm talking about!" Kurt emphatically moves his hands in a sweeping motion toward his lap.

_Oh. So _that_'s it._

_Wait._

_No._

_What?_

"Kurt! This is not the time _or_ the place_!_" Blaine exclaims ardently, his voice tinged with laughter, because there's really nothing else Kurt could possibly mean.

"Oh, come on, Blaine, _really?_ This is _not_ a joke!" Kurt glances pointedly at the table between them, then at his lap, and finally up at Blaine, smiling a little in clear amusement.

Blaine is very flustered, because Kurt usually just doesn't do this kind of thing. In the back of his mind he suspects that it's because Kurt feels threatened by Sebastian in his apparent sexual prowess and curses the new Warbler with a vengeance. "Look, just—then go to the bathroom!"

"_What? _Why should I do that?_"_

"What—you know why! If I'm that—just looking at me—just go take care of it in the bathroom!" He gives up on speech then, obviously very uncomfortable. Kurt stares, eyebrows raised in a pure 'what the fuck' look. "And don't expect me to go with you! Remember what happened _last_ time." Kurt doesn't, in fact, recall this 'last time' of which Blaine speaks. What he _does_ recall is Blaine's I'm-talking-about-sex-in-public voice, and that's the voice he's using right now. He hears that Blaine is both nervous and slightly turned on, his tone somewhat huskier than usual, and there's that conspiring look in his dark eyes that says _I want you but please God Kurt not right now_. Well, and then sometimes it says _shit Kurt can we just leave?_

Yes, Kurt is sure he isn't mistaken in recognizing it; this is Blaine's I'm-talking-about-sex-in-public voice. But Kurt _isn't_ talking about sex! And how did a _bathroom_ come into it? He chuckles despite himself, looking at Blaine in curiosity and confusion. "What last time? And why would you go with me? Why should I go at all? I mean..." Suddenly, Kurt thinks he gets it. "Wait. Seriously, Blaine? I'm not going to the bathroom just to get away from—!" He gestures to the area in front of him at large—the lunch table, Blaine, and his lap included.

"Yes. You are." Blaine is nodding vigorously—almost frantically—at him, kind of shocked at Kurt's boldness but almost smiling all the same. "I'm _definitely_ not helping you get o—" He pauses, reconsidering. "Get rid of it."

Nothing is making sense now. He has to go, to get rid of it? _It?_ "But it's _you_! If someone's going to leave, why should it be me? I am _so_ confused, Blaine. What are you even _talking_ about?"

"What are _you_ talking about?"

They're staring at each other dubiously now, both almost laughing and taking turns scoffing and making incredulous facial expressions. At this point half of the table is listening in on their conversation, but no one seems to have any idea what either of them is talking about, either. Well, okay, maybe they do. But it's too funny to interrupt. After a good twenty seconds of mixed signals, Blaine takes out his phone and types a message to Kurt.

_Okay, you do have a boner, right?_

Blaine watches Kurt as he reads it and what he sees surprises him; his boyfriend's eyes bulge, his face blooms cherry red, and his right hand immediately clamps over his mouth to stifle rampant laughter. Mike, who is sitting next to Kurt and has heard their entire conversation, seems to be fighting the impulse to peek at Kurt's phone to see what Blaine said. The urge only gets worse when he sees that Blaine is giving Kurt a total 'caught you' look, wiggling his eyebrows and looking down at the tabletop suggestively. This only makes Kurt laugh harder and blush a brighter shade of crimson. "No! No I don't Blaine! Oh my God!" He drops his face into the crook of his elbow on the table, evidently to calm down. Blaine is trying very hard not to laugh, not understanding this one bit.

"But then—if you don't, why were you—what's under the table?"

"_You_ are, genius, trying to play _footsie_ with me! I can't believe you! What else could I _possibly_ have been talking about?"

Blaine looks at him for a moment, drawing his eyebrows together in confusion and amusement. "I'm not playing footsie with you, Kurt. I _swear_."

Kurt's mouth falls open slightly in bewilderment. "But—but you're still doing it, and—you..." He glances to Blaine's left and right, where Rory and Tina are sitting. Rory is across a diagonal from Kurt and is looking at him with wide eyes and an amused smile. Tina is absorbed in eating a sandwich that she has been slowly digesting for the past ten minutes and occasionally glancing up at Mike, who is sitting across from her. Someone is slowly moving their foot against Kurt's and around his ankle, rubbing his calf. _Someone_. He looks down at the table, the only thing between him and the culprit. "If _you're_ not... then who _is?_"

There is a short moment of vigilant silence. Then, an outbreak:

"Okay, I have to know this one. Who is it?"

"I think I'm scarred for life."

"Okay, whoever is playing footsie with me had better stop _right now_."

"Ooh, wanky-wanky."

"Like I said, it's not me."

"You know, I'm starting to think it _is _you, Blaine..."

"But—_no!_ I—you—it's not! You can check!"

"Mm..."

"But then what did the unicorns do in the bathroom?"

"Somebody got on that, that's what they did."

"That doesn't even make _sense_, Puck."

"...This is a good sandwich."

"Oh, _why_ did I have to hear this? He's my step-brother, Blaine. I'm not supposed to know!"

"_Footsie_, Tina, really? _You_ were playing footsie with Kurt? With _Kurt!_ I am sitting _right here!_"

"I didn't mean to, you idiot! I was aiming for _you!_"

"And you didn't hear their conversation about it? It lasted five minutes!"

"I was trying to act casual! It takes more concentration than you'd think."

"It was _you? _And to think, I thought you were innocent. I trusted you, Tina!"

"It was _Tina?_"

"Oh my God, this is priceless."

"I told you it wasn't me! A girl playing footsie with my boyfriend... this is weird..."

"Alright, somebody _gots_ to tell me what went down in the bathroom. Like, _now_."

"Um... pardon me for interrupting, but what's footsie?"

...

They're not going to forget this one.


End file.
